I Paused Motherhood, Hardest Thing Ever. Best Thing Ever.

So I took a girls only trip and it was one of the best things I have done as a woman, one of the hardest as a mother.  Would I do it again? totally! heres why… 

I had always dreamt of becoming a mom.  I became a mother for the first time almost 8 years ago, and friend, what a journey.  If you are a mother you know, but let me give you some perspective on how hard I mom. 

I did extended breastfeeding, co-slept (still do), without shame, and also let me just inform you that you do not have to have sex only in your bed,  you are welcome. 

My husband and I decided to live on one income so this dream of motherhood could become true, (so thankful for him).  And then I dived in into the waters of motherhood, deep deep into the water.  Pausing it was not in my radar. 

I become a mother, full time, and you understand how hard that is only when you become one.   Mothers don't have anytime off, and even if you have a full time job and spend the day away, you are still a hard working mom every minute of the day.  

To say that I put my life on hold is an understatement.  I mothered really hard.  And I loved it.  until I started losing myself just a little.  Yes, you lose yourself a little or a whole lot when you become a mom. 

This is not a complaining statement.  I enjoy being a mom, but I also enjoy being alone, reading, silence, eating slow, going to the bathroom by myself,  and many other things that I didn’t prioritize for 8 years.  I didn’t lose it, it just become second nature, naturally.

So this girls trip came around 6 months before it really happened, and I constantly questioned myself if I was going to be able to take the trip.  And if it did,  it was going to be painful.  I had to put myself first, something I had not done in a long time.  

But I just didn’t know how painful until the day of the trip.  I asked God, after crying for three straight hours if He could kindly cancel this trip for me, so I didn’t have to.  Well, He didn’t, because He knew I freaking needed it.   Also the real MVP, my husband, bringing me down to earth every second. 

So, what was the main feeling? Let me tell you, around 300 different emotions possessed my mind and body. Guilt? Check, sadness? Check.  Fear? Check, check, check! 

I had reasons to stay home taking care of my family, at the end of the day only I know them like I know them.  From dawn to dusk, it is I who handles every matter.  How and why would I (intentionally) take a break from motherhood?  And how would my brain function properly after putting myself through this unnecessary pain. 

Before continuing please let me ask you to be gentle, and not judge a mother who is not ready to intentionally pause.  Life is different for every one of us. 

Me: Who could parent like I did? Me: Uhhhh maybe their other parent?

Me: But only I know them like I know them! Me: but it could be nice to rest a little.

Me: This is my role now! Me: a little reading would be nice. 

Me: NO! Me: YES! 

Me: what if my passport suddenly disappears. Me: Ceviche, tequila, friends.

So, my friends picked me up to go to the airport that afternoon, and I honestly wanted to jump off the car, we all did, (except one person lol I love you girl). I bravely got on that plane.  I knew I really needed to do this, since it came into my lap at the perfect time.  I needed to push myself through fear, guilt and sadness.  It was time.  This sounds like a horror story, but it’s for some control freak people. 

Five hours later we arrived to paradise, literary! We spent the next 4 days on the most beautiful place, courtesy of my friend Sofi (thank you girl).  It was the most beautiful manifestation of nature, love itself through the ocean, the birds, the tequila.  Cuff cuff.. let me tell you those palm trees, and my love language: food!

I felt awkward for a few hours the first day until I slowly found myself.  I found the girl I had always been, and it was so awesome! It was me, alone with my exhausted brain, slowly coming back to the rested phase I had long forgotten.  

I eat uninterrupted. 

Had awesome adult conversations with my friends.  Uninterrupted.

I read until I was super tired of reading.  Uninterrupted.

I took a nap, A NAP!  Yeap unheard of.

I also laughed until I peed, because that’s how I laugh now. 

I eat really slow too. 

But the best part of it all was letting my mind and my heart slowly pause, not because I hate noise, but because I need it to listen. 

I learned once again, that you will never feel ready to do something.   Doing things with fear is most of the time the only way to do them, (also get yourself some awesome friends, the style is not important).  My friends and I are so different, but we have one awesome thing in common, the one thing that brought us together: motherhood. 

And since I am mothering for the rest of my life let me just tell you, I am obsessing with the next girl’s trip, so I can come back home excited about who I am, because that is what made me an awesome mother in the first place.