This is what you should know about my depression.

So, I think I'm pretty good with sharing my real life, I like it.  I’m a natural sharer.  But I usually don’t share “negative” stuff.  A few weeks ago, (before the quarentine),  I shared with a friend how sad I was feeling, and she told me: “REALLY?  You seem pretty happy all the time”.

Perfection is not what I want to portrait.  But I also don’t like to be depressed, or to show it.   I noticed that sometimes I am unconsciously portraying a false positivity, and I want to stop that.  

We live in a culture that values positivity, and we categorize emotions as either good or bad.  Susan David said: we connect positivity with moral correctness, and it sucks. (please listen to her TED talk on Emotional Courage if you can). 

So I've been sad, hiding, not sharing my sadness much, because no one likes sadness, on the contrary people are praised for being strong.   Also we are pretty bad at handling people's emotions, specially when we talk about depression.  We are fast to say things like "be happy", "don't be sad", "pray more", "you have so many reasons to be thankful for", or "why don't you try ____ "... "being more positive, yoga, juicing, exercising".

Hey, don't feel bad, we live in a culture that values positivity, but sometimes depression is inevitable.  Specially when you have learned to deal with your inner world by yourself, because what do you usually do when things are not working out?  Well, if you are anything like me, you hide.  I don't usually post about it, or talk about it, I just know and hope it goes away quick.  I, on top of all of that, eat tons of oreos.  But my method has not been very effective.  Sometimes you need to reach out, so I did. I hope you can do the same. 

If you know me, you know I usually hold on to my God.  He has seen me through some pretty dark times in my life.  Spirituality is very important to me.  But honestly, there are moments where I can’t hold on to anything.  I have no strength.  I know God holds on to me, and spirituality does not oppose mental health, the mind, body and mind are connected.  You can be very spiritual and still be aware of your emotional wellness.  While talking to my therapist I thought how God will never let me go, and I needed to let go of the idea that I was letting him (or my believe system) down just by feeling sad. 

Portraying a happy life is natural for all. Is welcomed, is expected, we even have filters to make things look even better than what they already are.   And to be honest, I also have a problem dealing with negativity, I like happy people. duh!.  I have frowned upon people who are sad publicly, (I’m sorry).  I'm also a hard core positive human being, my cup is almost always 1/2 full.   But I am also thankful to be standing in this deep sadness right know.  How I deal with my inner world is important, and right now I just feel like being open about it.  Knowing that I do not have to go through this alone, or in silence. 

I am reading “Daring Greatly” by Renne Brown.   Her research is based on how the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live.  She says that “our shared vulnerability creates light in normally dark places”, and this has been true for me every time!  It doesn’t matter if I share about my marriage, parenting, personal life, about my health, I have been able to see some pretty awesome people come forward and say “me too”.  

I want to be honest. That’s all I want. 

Being open about my life has made me an easier person to talk to.  I also want to welcome people to do the same with me.  I have been able to connect deeper with people, and I am grateful for that. 

So this is what I want to do in this season; 

I don’t want to push emotions aside. 

Don’t want to drown in them.

Don’t want to Judge people. 

I am going to own it.  Own all of my feelings, that is the first step to dealing with them.  (also, my therapist. Being a therapist myself, I believe this is the best thing a person can do, hire a freaking therapist).

Meanwhile, in this dark place, I can see things that I cannot see during "sunny days".  I see how I numb myself not only with Oreos, but with so much resistance, I can be a huge procrastinator, have a lot fear, then rely on planning a lot.  I have trouble asking for help.  I have so many scattered thoughts, and what about not feeling enough?, my list goes on.  This shows up as self protection, but is it really? it only keeps me busy, and makes me run faster.  Are these behaviors serving my life? my relationships? Be aware of your list.

I am publishing this today because is real, because not everything is perfect, because my heart is heavy, because it shouldn't be "negative" to feel sad, it's normal if you are a human being.  It should be welcomed and expected from anyone.  Sad days are also days, they exist, they are part of your process.  Sad days count, are not meant to be "erased".  Let's talk about them, and make it natural to say "I am feeling sad today".

Don’t push them aside. 

Don’t Drown in them.

Don’t Judge. 

Own it.  ("The most uncomfortable moments are the most productive" - Steven Furtick) 

One day I will master this thing of being more agile with my emotions.  Supressing them only makes them stronger.   I will take this season as practice, I will practice, and practice some more.   After all, “the best thing one can do when it’s raining is to let it rain”, and emotions are just little pieces of information.  Emotions are not kings. 

Also know that you can eat your veggies, exercise daily, prioritize sleep, and take your magnesium,  but until you deal with the things going on in your head and address emotional traumas, you will never truly heal.  

So work hard, address your traumas, your pain, your darkness.  DIG DEEP, Think about yourself as a work in progress, also address the things that are perfectly ok.  There are somethings that are perfect just the way they are.  Not everything is darkness 

So I'm not sad, I FEEL sad.  And my sadness has a purpose.  If you are on the other person, the happy person, the person with no depression or sadness, know something: 

• You don’t have to do anything to make someone happy.  
• Do not feel responsible for someone’s happiness.  
• Listen to people.  Even when they are not talking. 
• Happiness is not something you can push into someone. 
• Sometimes feeling (insert emotion here) is so uncomfortable, because you don’t want to hurt people around you.   Also know that discomfort is part of a meaningful life. 
• Be ok with someone feeling sad. 
• Sometimes there is no particular reason.  Depressive episodes don't always need to have a reason.
• Sometimes a hug would do. 
• You don't have to fix this. Feelings are meant to be soothed, not solved. 
• Please allow me to feel sad. I will do the same.  
• Know that our relationship is important, and I will get back to it soon. 
• Please don't look away.  

There is a thin line between mental health awareness and normal behavior, it's ok to feel sad, or anxious at times.  It doesn't always mean that you have a diagnosis like depression. 

But if you do, it's ok, it will look different for everyone.  Let's just talk about it. Open your heart to what you feel.  It's a stepping stone to resilience. 

“Come to me, 
all you who are weary 

and burdened, 

and I will give you rest.

-Jesus

Matthew 11:28-30.  

“When I stand before thee at the day’s end, 

thou shalt see my scars 

and know that I had my wounds 

and also my healing” 

- Rabindranath Tagore